Raccoon

This Story About A Vegetarian Fighting A Raccoon Is The Best Thing Ever...

"It was like Pet Sematary!"

CN

In a story that will shock social justice warriors and animal rights activist everywhere, a vegetarian encountered a rabid racoon while on a walk in the woods. The victim engaged in a physical altercation with the woodland creature when it charged her. 

This is a hilarious story that should win a Pulitzer Prize for its content.

The Bangor Daily News tells the harrowing tale of a healthy conscious twenty-one year old and the evil creature that attacked her. The story starts off with a fairy tale beginning before it turns into a brutal nightmare.

While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself, “what a beautiful day.”

Little did she know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon she would end up killing with her bare hands.

It is an opening that would make any airport novel would envy.

In the midst of appreciating the weather and scenery, she looked ahead and noticed a raccoon obstructing the narrow foot path, baring its tiny teeth.

Suddenly, it began “bounding” toward her, Borch recalled Wednesday afternoon during an interview at her home on Hatchet Mountain Road in Hope.

“I knew instantly it had to be rabid,” said Borch, who remembers ripping out her headphones and dropping her phone on the ground.

It is worth asking why she did not run back down the trail? Instead, she drops her phone as this evil racoon lunges toward her. Perhaps she wanted to help the raccoon make a call.

What felt like a split second later, the furry animal was at her feet. Borch said she was “dancing around it,” trying to figure out what to do.

“Imagine the Tasmanian devil,” she said. “It was terrifying.”

The path was too narrow for Borch to run past the raccoon, which had begun lunging at her. With adrenaline pumping, Borch suspended her disbelief.

“I knew it was going to bite me,” she said.

Again, why did she not just run or walk backwards? She could have easily outrunned the beast. If she truly felt that she was in mortal danger, she could have dashed the other direction. Instead, she tries to "dance" around it.

What she does next is impossible to describe.

Figuring she would have the greatest ability to defend herself if she used her hands to hold it down, she decided that probably would be the best place for the aggressive animal to latch on.

If a rabid animal comes at you, the last thing you want to do is touch it. It could have other diseases besides rabies. Instead, this vegetarian wants to fight the racoon like it’s WWE Raw. Of course, you can guess what happens next.

The raccoon sank its teeth into Borch’s thumb and “wouldn’t let go.” Its paws were scratching her arms and legs wildly as Borch screamed and cried.

Now she is bitten by a rabid animal when she could have easily retreated. Instead of attacking its eyes or head, she decides to drown the beast.

In a matter of seconds, Borch, who could not unhinge the raccoon’s jaw to shake it off her hand, noticed that when she had dropped her phone, it had fallen into a puddle in the path and was fully submerged.

“I didn’t think I could strangle [the raccoon] with my bare hands,” she remembers thinking, but holding it under the water might do the trick.

Connecting the dots quickly, Borch, then on her knees, dragged the still biting raccoon, which was scratching frantically at her hand and arms, into the puddle.

“With my thumb in its mouth, I just pushed its head down into the muck,” Borch said.

With the animal belly-up, she held its head under water. “It was still struggling and clawing at my arms. It wouldn’t let go of my thumb,” she said.

Borch said she held it there for what felt like an eternity until finally it stopped struggling and “its arms sort of of fell to the side, its chest still heaving really slowly.”

She managed to get her thumb free and finally escaped from the clutches of the dangerous predator.

Hyperventilating and in hysterics, she pulled her thumb out of the raccoon’s mouth, “and then I just bolted as fast as I could through the underbrush,” she said.

Borch remembers looking back once to see if the raccoon had started chasing her again.

“It felt like [Stephen King’s] ‘Pet Sematary,’” she said.

A vegetarian should never try to take on a wild animal. It just will not work out.

She managed to make it home and was treated for her injuries at a local hospital. Her family managed to get the raccoon's carcass and confirmed it did have rabies. The Maine Center For Disease Control released a statement warning locals about the disease.